Friday, Day 4, I was feeling crummy... I took my shower, as promised, got dressed, changed the (then) depressing meditation music to some quirky Roger Miller - I got out my rainbow toe socks and put them on - I was starting to feel better, maybe even neutral.
The rest of Day 4... Then I checked Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a reference to prayers to those in CT - so against my vow to not read mainstream media, I looked it up and realized that there had been another school shooting, this one in Connecticut. I immediately burst into tears thinking about all of those people in that horrifying situation, and especially the children. So young, so innocent, lives so short, and the surviving everybody in that school, their lives will never be the same. At that time my husband, Richard called on his lunch break from teaching in a special ed school, and I told him about the shooting, and really couldn't say much more because of the tears. I spent quite a bit of time wrapped in the media, reading all of the crazy arguments for and against gun control. To me this is a far bigger issue than simple gun control. People intent on killing people are going to find the means, whether it's guns, knives, bombs, their hands... from what I understand, tighter gun control would not have helped in the CT shootings case. The guns used were legally the mother's, who was killed prior to the big school rampage. Anyway, I'm not for or against - I hate that topic that goes round and round, when there's far more to this violent and loving society. Media, media, media. Ugh.
We lived in Littleton when the shootings took place at Columbine. My kids were in 1st, 3rd and 5th grades at the time. Those who were outside on the school grounds at the time could hear the bombs going off. Our house backed up to one of the main roads, and many emergency personnel were going by... let me back up a little, first, though.
I had just discovered the "Artist's Way" book, and was learning about my creative side and taking care of and nurturing myself. I'd begun to feel the joy in life, and was beginning to see it in the little things. I vividly remember walking the boys to school that morning, and my youngest, Peter, who was 6 at that time, was skipping to school, just as happy to be in the present moment as anywhere else. I skipped with him and felt this upwelling of Joy in my heart. My cup overfloweth as I placed them in the care of the elementary school. I walked home and took out a watercolor picture to work on for the first time - my first, and last time I've ever attempted to water color. I remember feeling the joy of creating, even if it was a little frustrating working with the watercolors. I don't know what I was doing next, but I was still in that state of pure Joy, when my stepmother called me from Idaho to ask if we were all okay. I definitely didn't have my television on at that time, and Facebook had yet to be invented. She told me what was going on just 2 miles from my home. I turned on the television and sat there in horror as it unfolded before my eyes. I called the boys' school and was told I couldn't get the children since the school was in lock-down. That was a horrific feeling, not being able to get my kids and hold them tight.
Finally, we got the go ahead to come into the school and pick up our kids. I picked up the younger kids first, then went to the 5th grade room, and what I saw astounded and infuriated me. All of the kids, 10 and 11 years old, were huddled around a television set that was broadcasting LIVE, the events that were still unfolding at Columbine. No teacher or adult was in sight. When I found the teacher, she was outside (just outside the room) talking on her cell phone with her husband reassuring him that she was ok. I grabbed my son and we all left for home.
When we got home, we watched for about 15minutes more to see if there was more information. Then I had to shut it off for my sake and for the boys' sakes.
The weather was very interesting, I thought, for that whole next week. I was overcast and rainy, and to me it seemed that the entire city was crying, definitely our community was. We were mainly in shock especially as the details came forth and became more clear.
So, yes, all of these memories get re-triggered every time there's a shooting, which unfortunately seems to be more and more often. I saw a lot of references on Facebook after Friday's shooting to wanting to hold their children close. My kids are all grown up now and dispersed around the country, so I wouldn't have the immediate satisfaction of holding them. They were definitely in my thoughts and in my heart, and I will see them soon for the holidays. My heart goes out to those big souls that continued their journeys beyond this physical realm, my heart goes out to those big souls who are left in this dimension with unfathomable grief, my heart goes out to the community, and to the world.
I am reminded of some of my favorite lines by Kahlil Gibran:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Through pain, we can learn deeper love and more profound joy. The rest of Friday was quite melancholy for me, as I processed the events, and the memories, and contemplate the darkness of society, as well as the light. On one level I am not surprised that this devastating event happened in the darkest time of the year, possibly the darkest time of all time. On another level, I see it as an amazing opportunity for greater Light to shine through. Most of us humans regard death as sad and tragic, and the end... this is how we're trained, especially in Western civilization. We fear death.
What I've come to understand about death, through studies of near-death experiences, meditations, Eastern philosophy and other explorations, that it is not the end - well, yes, it's the end of this physical incarnation, but it is not the end of our souls, or our spirits. We've lived many times, in many fashions, in many Universes. What I've also come to understand is that we have soul contracts with one another, usually to help each other grow spiritually. I believe that includes these heinous events that are created by man. In this regard, these precious children and adults, whose lives were taken so early according to our personality perspectives, agreed prior to their incarnations with their soul groups for their or their family members' greater spiritual growth to pass from this life in this manner. This does not lessen the pain experienced in this third dimension of personality and matter, but from a soul perspective the purpose is reconnection with Source and a remembering of who we really are, resolving duality, returning to the Light.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tools for Living?
Three dreams I had last night stand out clear enough to remember and comment on.
In one dream I was getting ready to play tennis again after a long time away from the game. Some adjustments needed to be made before I could play. Specifically, the net needed to be lowered so it would be easier for me to get the ball over it. A lot of time was spent on retying each side of the net in three specific places to the poles that were holding the net up. It was important to tie them in the right places just for me. At one point I even had to use a sweater I was wearing to fully tie the net in the right place. I was fully present with the process of putting the net in the right place for me to play tennis again. Finally I was ready to play. In the dream I don't recall actually playing tennis, but a little later in a dream reflection while I was still asleep I realized that there really isn't any need to lower a tennis net to be able to hit a ball over it. The net is low enough, and hitting a ball over it is actually very easy. In that dream state I was asking myself, "for what purpose was all of that preparation and work?" I will get back to this after I relay the other dreams.
In the next dream I was walking along a paved trail with several of my family members. The trail ran along the edge of a cemetery in which there were dozens of burials happening or waiting to happen. Most of the dead people waiting to be buried were not in coffins, it was a gruesome scene of dead bodies and grieving and lost souls. Our group was aware of the burials, of the death all around us, but we were not part of it, and knew that we did not need to engross ourselves in it, and we continued to walk along the path.
The third dream involved an older couple that was unfamiliar to me. They had acquired a brand new "old timey" car. It was large and black with smooth curves. The couple had invited me to go somewhere with them, and we spent quite a bit of time getting into the car, making sure the doors would shut and not close anyone in them. Also, in the front hood, there were spaces to put the food that the couple was taking to their event, so it would stay warm near the engine. We got the food situated and the woman all tucked into her seat, and finally closed the door. This happened several times. Meanwhile the man waited semi-patiently in the driver's seat. He was relatively anxious to get going. He almost took off without making sure I was in the car safely in the back seat, after I'd spent a good amount of energy to ensure they were both comfortable and enclosed properly.
If there's a common theme with these three dreams, it seems it would be about preparation, or preparing for things/events that don't need so much time and energy for preparation. Why all of the unnecessary adjusting for the tennis net to play again? Why all of the preparation to get in this new old car and go somewhere I'm not sure of with these people I don't know? Why is the cemetery so full of people preparing to bury their loved ones? Why am I so involved in the tennis net and car preparation and not at all in the burial preparation?
My thoughts on this are spiritual in nature. If we are of Spirit and that is our true nature, but we have forgotten on this earthly plane, what do we really need to do to remember we are of Spirit, and live a Spirit-filled life? If there is an awareness of this importance, our current collective consciousness seems to need tools to get us to that understanding and remembering. Tools are great as long as we feel we need them. By tools, I mean anything that helps us remember or reclaim or re-experience our Oneness with Source. This could be through meditation, acupuncture, toning, bodywork, a walk in nature, going to church, reading inspiring works, and many others. They all have inherent personal value as stepping stones to knowing our connection.
Ultimately we don't need any of the tools, we just need to know we are connected, we are perfect, all of our needs are met, and we are fully loved. It seems that many people spend a lot of time, energy, and money in tools to help them re-connect. I am certainly no stranger to using tools, for I have many at my disposal, and I use them as an acupuncturist for these purposes to help others. I often tell patients when I first see them (if I sense they are receptive), that acupuncture is merely a tool for helping people tap into their own energy, and healing themselves. It's an energy training of sorts, and ultimately people can, and hopefully will, learn to heal themselves, it is not only a gift through the acupuncturist or meditation leader, or whomever is holding the tools at the moment.
At some point, tools can become crutches, or maybe even obstacles to reaching our goals. If all of my time and energy was spent on getting the net just right to make it easier to lob the ball, what happened to simply playing the game? The same with the car trip to the unknown with all of the energy spent making sure we're safe and secure, we never actually went anywhere. This reminds of when I first learned some of the tools of Science of Mind/Religious Science, mainly the use of affirmations to realign my thinking and thoughts about myself and Life and things that didn't appear to be working well. I spent well over a year affirming over and over in my journal the affirmations I wanted to be true in my life, specifically about being in a happy and healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship. Three whole pages every day were devoted to realigning my thoughts with affirmations.
One day I realized that I was stuck in the affirmations, the tool, and that by affirming what I wanted to be I was also affirming what I didn't yet have. I was holding it all in place with the affirmations. I decided I was done writing about it, I was ready to live it. With conviction, I let go of the tool and the affirmations, and my life began its whirlwind journey to where I am now, living the life those early affirmations and new thoughts set forth. In the process I learned new tools, mainly meditation, acupuncture, colorpuncture, breathing, multi-incarnational sessions, and workshops that helped with each step when I felt I needed them.
If playing tennis is a metaphor for remembering my connection to my Source, and lowering the net is an unnecessary tool to make it easier to lob the ball over or to remember that connection, all I really need to do is start playing tennis and know my connection without a doubt in every moment. No net preparation necessary. This, to me, means living each moment knowing I'm connected to our Source, being as present as possible and sending and receiving Divine Love all the time, and not be attached to the tools that have helped me get to this point from the past. Their only value is what I place on them currently and what I have placed on them in the past. If I forget my connection and lose faith or trust, I imagine the tools are still there and could be useful for remembering to the extent that I feel I need them.
I know in this third and fourth dimensional world so much is based on the physical, the scientific, the tangible, and that physical death seems like an incredible loss. On the personality level, it is devastating the pain and grief and worry we go through when loved ones become ill or transition suddenly from this dimension to their soul's next level, as they/we lay our bodies aside so that our souls are free. In our society especially, there seems to be a lot of fear and sadness around death of the physical body. On a soul level, however, this transition is a remembering, a celebration, a re-birthing into the beauty and connection with Source, and while the personality healing experiences are necessary for emotional healing and karmic re-balancing, they are not necessary for our soul's remembering. It seems a strange polar world we live in, and we always have the choice where we place our focus and intention.
Constantly Life is showing us that we have a choice of how to perceive the events that occur around us, and we can choose to propagate the karma or lift out of it and love from a different place in our hearts. From choosing a new perspective, profound events have taken place in my life which, I feel, have propelled me further along the path of choosing from a conscious soul perspective rather than a personality perspective. I am definitely not saying that my unconscious mind doesn't still drive me to whatever extent, it will as long as I have this human form with an ego, but my conscious intention lay in the focus of conscious soul decisions that may override the karma that my ego has created in the past.
I've had a few "tool-free" spontaneous enlightening experiences, but have yet to experience Life fully lived (at least this lifetime) in constant, complete and utter knowing of my connection to my Source. My life has come to a very consistent happy place, and yet I know there is an even deeper experience than celebrating the work and manifestations of my intention. I intend to look at what tools I've been using lately that may be keeping me "safe" and "stuck" in my current intentions and experiments, and discern what I'm ready to release and experience more deeply into knowing my connection with All That Is and what that means for my Life currently lived.
In one dream I was getting ready to play tennis again after a long time away from the game. Some adjustments needed to be made before I could play. Specifically, the net needed to be lowered so it would be easier for me to get the ball over it. A lot of time was spent on retying each side of the net in three specific places to the poles that were holding the net up. It was important to tie them in the right places just for me. At one point I even had to use a sweater I was wearing to fully tie the net in the right place. I was fully present with the process of putting the net in the right place for me to play tennis again. Finally I was ready to play. In the dream I don't recall actually playing tennis, but a little later in a dream reflection while I was still asleep I realized that there really isn't any need to lower a tennis net to be able to hit a ball over it. The net is low enough, and hitting a ball over it is actually very easy. In that dream state I was asking myself, "for what purpose was all of that preparation and work?" I will get back to this after I relay the other dreams.
In the next dream I was walking along a paved trail with several of my family members. The trail ran along the edge of a cemetery in which there were dozens of burials happening or waiting to happen. Most of the dead people waiting to be buried were not in coffins, it was a gruesome scene of dead bodies and grieving and lost souls. Our group was aware of the burials, of the death all around us, but we were not part of it, and knew that we did not need to engross ourselves in it, and we continued to walk along the path.
The third dream involved an older couple that was unfamiliar to me. They had acquired a brand new "old timey" car. It was large and black with smooth curves. The couple had invited me to go somewhere with them, and we spent quite a bit of time getting into the car, making sure the doors would shut and not close anyone in them. Also, in the front hood, there were spaces to put the food that the couple was taking to their event, so it would stay warm near the engine. We got the food situated and the woman all tucked into her seat, and finally closed the door. This happened several times. Meanwhile the man waited semi-patiently in the driver's seat. He was relatively anxious to get going. He almost took off without making sure I was in the car safely in the back seat, after I'd spent a good amount of energy to ensure they were both comfortable and enclosed properly.
If there's a common theme with these three dreams, it seems it would be about preparation, or preparing for things/events that don't need so much time and energy for preparation. Why all of the unnecessary adjusting for the tennis net to play again? Why all of the preparation to get in this new old car and go somewhere I'm not sure of with these people I don't know? Why is the cemetery so full of people preparing to bury their loved ones? Why am I so involved in the tennis net and car preparation and not at all in the burial preparation?
My thoughts on this are spiritual in nature. If we are of Spirit and that is our true nature, but we have forgotten on this earthly plane, what do we really need to do to remember we are of Spirit, and live a Spirit-filled life? If there is an awareness of this importance, our current collective consciousness seems to need tools to get us to that understanding and remembering. Tools are great as long as we feel we need them. By tools, I mean anything that helps us remember or reclaim or re-experience our Oneness with Source. This could be through meditation, acupuncture, toning, bodywork, a walk in nature, going to church, reading inspiring works, and many others. They all have inherent personal value as stepping stones to knowing our connection.
Ultimately we don't need any of the tools, we just need to know we are connected, we are perfect, all of our needs are met, and we are fully loved. It seems that many people spend a lot of time, energy, and money in tools to help them re-connect. I am certainly no stranger to using tools, for I have many at my disposal, and I use them as an acupuncturist for these purposes to help others. I often tell patients when I first see them (if I sense they are receptive), that acupuncture is merely a tool for helping people tap into their own energy, and healing themselves. It's an energy training of sorts, and ultimately people can, and hopefully will, learn to heal themselves, it is not only a gift through the acupuncturist or meditation leader, or whomever is holding the tools at the moment.
At some point, tools can become crutches, or maybe even obstacles to reaching our goals. If all of my time and energy was spent on getting the net just right to make it easier to lob the ball, what happened to simply playing the game? The same with the car trip to the unknown with all of the energy spent making sure we're safe and secure, we never actually went anywhere. This reminds of when I first learned some of the tools of Science of Mind/Religious Science, mainly the use of affirmations to realign my thinking and thoughts about myself and Life and things that didn't appear to be working well. I spent well over a year affirming over and over in my journal the affirmations I wanted to be true in my life, specifically about being in a happy and healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship. Three whole pages every day were devoted to realigning my thoughts with affirmations.
One day I realized that I was stuck in the affirmations, the tool, and that by affirming what I wanted to be I was also affirming what I didn't yet have. I was holding it all in place with the affirmations. I decided I was done writing about it, I was ready to live it. With conviction, I let go of the tool and the affirmations, and my life began its whirlwind journey to where I am now, living the life those early affirmations and new thoughts set forth. In the process I learned new tools, mainly meditation, acupuncture, colorpuncture, breathing, multi-incarnational sessions, and workshops that helped with each step when I felt I needed them.
If playing tennis is a metaphor for remembering my connection to my Source, and lowering the net is an unnecessary tool to make it easier to lob the ball over or to remember that connection, all I really need to do is start playing tennis and know my connection without a doubt in every moment. No net preparation necessary. This, to me, means living each moment knowing I'm connected to our Source, being as present as possible and sending and receiving Divine Love all the time, and not be attached to the tools that have helped me get to this point from the past. Their only value is what I place on them currently and what I have placed on them in the past. If I forget my connection and lose faith or trust, I imagine the tools are still there and could be useful for remembering to the extent that I feel I need them.
I know in this third and fourth dimensional world so much is based on the physical, the scientific, the tangible, and that physical death seems like an incredible loss. On the personality level, it is devastating the pain and grief and worry we go through when loved ones become ill or transition suddenly from this dimension to their soul's next level, as they/we lay our bodies aside so that our souls are free. In our society especially, there seems to be a lot of fear and sadness around death of the physical body. On a soul level, however, this transition is a remembering, a celebration, a re-birthing into the beauty and connection with Source, and while the personality healing experiences are necessary for emotional healing and karmic re-balancing, they are not necessary for our soul's remembering. It seems a strange polar world we live in, and we always have the choice where we place our focus and intention.
Constantly Life is showing us that we have a choice of how to perceive the events that occur around us, and we can choose to propagate the karma or lift out of it and love from a different place in our hearts. From choosing a new perspective, profound events have taken place in my life which, I feel, have propelled me further along the path of choosing from a conscious soul perspective rather than a personality perspective. I am definitely not saying that my unconscious mind doesn't still drive me to whatever extent, it will as long as I have this human form with an ego, but my conscious intention lay in the focus of conscious soul decisions that may override the karma that my ego has created in the past.
I've had a few "tool-free" spontaneous enlightening experiences, but have yet to experience Life fully lived (at least this lifetime) in constant, complete and utter knowing of my connection to my Source. My life has come to a very consistent happy place, and yet I know there is an even deeper experience than celebrating the work and manifestations of my intention. I intend to look at what tools I've been using lately that may be keeping me "safe" and "stuck" in my current intentions and experiments, and discern what I'm ready to release and experience more deeply into knowing my connection with All That Is and what that means for my Life currently lived.
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