Enhanced by the Light - rest of Day 4

Friday, Day 4, I was feeling crummy... I took my shower, as promised, got dressed, changed the (then) depressing meditation music to some quirky Roger Miller - I got out my rainbow toe socks and put them on - I was starting to feel better, maybe even neutral.

The rest of Day 4... Then I checked Facebook, and the first thing I saw was a reference to prayers to those in CT - so against my vow to not read mainstream media, I looked it up and realized that there had been another school shooting, this one in Connecticut.  I immediately burst into tears thinking about all of those people in that horrifying situation, and especially the children.  So young, so innocent, lives so short, and the surviving everybody in that school, their lives will never be the same.  At that time my husband, Richard called on his lunch break from teaching in a special ed school, and I told him about the shooting, and really couldn't say much more because of the tears.  I spent quite a bit of time wrapped in the media, reading all of the crazy arguments for and against gun control.  To me this is a far bigger issue than simple gun control.  People intent on killing people are going to find the means, whether it's guns, knives, bombs, their hands... from what I understand, tighter gun control would not have helped in the CT shootings case.  The guns used were legally the mother's, who was killed prior to the big school rampage.  Anyway, I'm not for or against - I hate that topic that goes round and round, when there's far more to this violent and loving society.  Media, media, media.  Ugh.

We lived in Littleton when the shootings took place at Columbine.  My kids were in 1st, 3rd and 5th grades at the time.  Those who were outside on the school grounds at the time could hear the bombs going off.  Our house backed up to one of the main roads, and many emergency personnel were going by... let me back up a little, first, though.

I had just discovered the "Artist's Way" book, and was learning about my creative side and taking care of and nurturing myself.  I'd begun to feel the joy in life, and was beginning to see it in the little things.  I vividly remember walking the boys to school that morning, and my youngest, Peter, who was 6 at that time, was skipping to school, just as happy to be in the present moment as anywhere else.  I skipped with him and felt this upwelling of Joy in my heart.  My cup overfloweth as I placed them in the care of the elementary school.  I walked home and took out a watercolor picture to work on for the first time - my first, and last time I've ever attempted to water color.  I remember feeling the joy of creating, even if it was a little frustrating working with the watercolors.  I don't know what I was doing next, but I was still in that state of pure Joy, when my stepmother called me from Idaho to ask if we were all okay.  I definitely didn't have my television on at that time, and Facebook had yet to be invented.  She told me what was going on just 2 miles from my home.  I turned on the television and sat there in horror as it unfolded before my eyes.  I called the boys' school and was told I couldn't get the children since the school was in lock-down.  That was a horrific feeling, not being able to get my kids and hold them tight.

Finally, we got the go ahead to come into the school and pick up our kids.  I picked up the younger kids first, then went to the 5th grade room, and what I saw astounded and infuriated me.  All of the kids, 10 and 11 years old, were huddled around a television set that was broadcasting LIVE, the events that were still unfolding at Columbine.  No teacher or adult was in sight.  When I found the teacher, she was outside (just outside the room) talking on her cell phone with her husband reassuring him that she was ok.  I grabbed my son and we all left for home.

When we got home, we watched for about 15minutes more to see if there was more information.  Then I had to shut it off for my sake and for the boys' sakes.

The weather was very interesting, I thought, for that whole next week. I was overcast and rainy, and to me it seemed that the entire city was crying, definitely our community was.  We were mainly in shock especially as the details came forth and became more clear.

So, yes, all of these memories get re-triggered every time there's a shooting, which unfortunately seems to be more and more often. I saw a lot of references on Facebook after Friday's shooting to wanting to hold their children close. My kids are all grown up now and dispersed around the country, so I wouldn't have the immediate satisfaction of holding them.  They were definitely in my thoughts and in my heart, and I will see them soon for the holidays.  My heart goes out to those big souls that continued their journeys beyond this physical realm, my heart goes out to those big souls who are left in this dimension with unfathomable grief, my heart goes out to the community, and to the world.

I am reminded of some of my favorite lines by Kahlil Gibran:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Through pain, we can learn deeper love and more profound joy.  The rest of Friday was quite melancholy for me, as I processed the events, and the memories, and contemplate the darkness of society, as well as the light.  On one level I am not surprised that this devastating event happened in the darkest time of the year, possibly the darkest time of all time.  On another level, I see it as an amazing opportunity for greater Light to shine through.  Most of us humans regard death as sad and tragic, and the end... this is how we're trained, especially in Western civilization.  We fear death.

What I've come to understand about death, through studies of near-death experiences, meditations, Eastern philosophy and other explorations, that it is not the end - well, yes, it's the end of this physical incarnation, but it is not the end of our souls, or our spirits.  We've lived many times, in many fashions, in many Universes. What I've also come to understand is that we have soul contracts with one another, usually to help each other grow spiritually.  I believe that includes these heinous events that are created by man.  In this regard, these precious children and adults, whose lives were taken so early according to our personality perspectives, agreed prior to their incarnations with their soul groups for their or their family members' greater spiritual growth to pass from this life in this manner.  This does not lessen the pain experienced in this third dimension of personality and matter, but from a soul perspective the purpose is reconnection with Source and a remembering of who we really are, resolving duality, returning to the Light.

Enhanced by the Light - Prep 12/10/12

It is December 10, 2012... already!  Where did this year go?  I know for me it has been consumed with the final semester, 3rd year of pharmacy school, and the first 5 rotations of the 4th year.  Now I have a break, a breather from the incessant cramming of drug information into my brain, and preparing for and giving presentations, and have a chance to reconnect more fully with my less thinking self that has been there all along, just subdued in the background whilst I plunge forward my existence in the third dimension and duality.

I do believe that all of the meditation and preparation in the previous decades with the healing, awareness, enlightening moments and life shifts have helped me immensely through the seemingly unbalanced nature of pharmacy school and all of the changes that have occurred over the past few years.  I am still me, the eternal optimist, full of Hope and Light, bringing my Presence into each place I go and each rotation I am on, making the connections I am to make, trusting that I am still doing this program with my bigger purpose on this planet in mind (even if it might be subconscious, especially regarding where pharmacy fits in, at the moment).

I still awaken every morning very grateful to be alive and to have the opportunity to live each moment in Love and Joy.  I am still here and my life feels very full of Grace.

Having said all of that, I am still perfectly human, and am excited to experiment with what I posted this morning on Facebook:

So interesting - yesterday I decided I am going to use the time between 12/12 and 12/21 to increase my daily intake of green smoothies (which enhances our cell ability to absorb light) and focus energy and mindfulness on Light with the Five Tibetans. The first post I saw this morning (linked below) confirms this thought into action. December has always been a time of deep reflection for me, with looking at the year previous, releasing all of it and making room for the joys and intentions in the new year. This year I feel called to contemplate more than just the year's events and growth, but perhaps even a deeper look into duality in this lifetime, and the ability to let it go. I'm sure more will become clear in the next couple of days as I prepare. There are some great ideas for purifying here: Deb Kern's Raising Your Vibration.

I had just ordered my VitaMixer, finally after weeks of deliberation, and had been entertaining the thought of doing a juice fast the first couple of weeks of January to cleanse and purify.  This was after being inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".

And, yes, I know I am not fat (anymore), nor am I sick or nearly dead; however the story was very inspiring.  There's always improvement to be made.  I've focussed very much on physically improving myself.  I've lost nearly 50 pounds since the summer of 2010 (at least measured).  I have about 10 pounds to go to the high end of the normal weight range, and around 30 to go to my goal weight since I want to maintain well within my normal weight range.  I have used several strategies to get here, the most useful one being tracking through Weight Watchers, being mindful of portions.  I also eliminated wheat and gluten about 1.5 years ago to help ease inflammation - with great results!  Recently I've also eliminated all dairy products, including nonfat dairy yogurt due to the inflammatory properties of dairy. Due to a recent discussion with a dietician who helps educate on diet according APOE genetic results, I've been attempting to find ways to make vegetables the focus of each meal, with supportive protein and carbs.  So, like I said, very physically focussed - and I do feel great, and love that my clothes are looser and the pain I was experiencing has been greatly reduced.

Now that I'm on break from pharmacy rotations and have some nurturing time, I am suddenly fully cognizant that this month and this year, and the much anticipated "end of the world" is upon us, days away!  It has been fascinating to observe and witness the spectrum of speculation in society about this auspicious time.  There are so many many theories.  I am amazed to learn that there are folks who still feel strongly that it's the end of the physical world with mass destruction and mass exodus of life from the planet.  Unfortunately this is causing many young and old people to take their own lives in desperation or hopelessness.  This seems pretty senseless, especially since not a whole lot has happened in a world-wide devastation sense, yet.  It is also senseless for people to react negatively if the opposite doesn't happen as they expect (like a rapture or ascension).

I am more of the thought process that if something "happens" it is going to be much more of a conscious awareness shift out of the "old", mainly duality, into the "new", which is Unity consciousness.  From my time-space perspective (and how could I not have one living in this reality?) it seems as though this kind of shift would take time.  And it has.  And it will. Things have been shifting for awhile, mainly in the individuals which make up societies.  Change takes place one heart at a time.

I recently witnessed a very short conversation regarding 12/21/12... it was in the middle of a flow of conversation ranging from the future of compounding pharmacy and regulation, to education, to politics, and other random societal things.  It went kind of like this: "The end of the world is coming on Dec. 21", "No, I'm sure it's the 22nd", "Well, whenever, it's the end of the world they say."  Then a silence. 

 Then the next topic.

My thoughts filled that brief silence, not my words.  What I wanted to say, but did not was, "So, say it IS the end of the world, whatever that means to you, does that change anything for you today, this moment?  Would you make a different decision, or say different things? Would you do something you might not otherwise?  The silence was interesting - it's almost as if it's so close there's not much one can say about it, but just wait and see what happens, if anything.

My answers to those questions are mainly "no, I would not do anything differently."  I have changed my life over the past couple of decades to truly have no regrets and to be living my life from my heart.  Sure, I might inform and remind people that I love them and to thank them for being parts of my life, and helping me learn and grow through them.  

My focus now is the light, especially at this time of year, as the light wanes by the minute.  The sunshine is brief and I am grateful to live in such a sunny place, even if the days are short.  For me, if anything is going to happen this month, I want to be as prepared as possible.  This does not mean physically.  I am not going to gather items to make sure I survive any physical calamity, rather I feel called to focus on increasing my connection to my Source, increasing my vibratory state higher and higher in order to resonate even more with greater dimensions, and view the darkness of the third dimension and duality through an ever narrowing telescope. 

How am I going to do this?
1) With the help of my new VitaMixer (arrives tomorrow) beginning 12/12 prepare three daily specific green smoothies, puddings, or soups to bathe my cells in the utmost nutrition and ability to absorb light from the Sun.  I cannot describe the buzz my cells are feeling as I read over the smoothie recipes.
2) Every day complete 21 repetitions of the Five Tibetans twice each day
3) Meditate on Light and Ascension inspiring guided meditations or music
4) I have already eliminated gluten and dairy, most sugar, so the only real vice left is caffeine in my daily cup of coffee, so yes, I will stop the cup of coffee every day.  Not much else will change in my diet, except that the smoothie, pudding or soup will replace the cup of coffee and one meal and one snack.
5) I have already eliminated most idleness, newspaper, television, chat... what remains is computer and a little mindless game time.  I'll have to meditate and see what reducing that might look like and set that goal.
6) Focus on only Love, Joy, and Hope and journal on it.  I know that each day is going to have a theme  that will be revealed in the day.

More things might occur to me in the next day in preparation, however I definitely want to keep it simple.  If you've read this far, will you join me in this endeavor?  If you're interested, let me know!

Love, Joy and Abundant Blessings,
Stephanie

The Goldfish That Had to Go

(From January 2009)

In this dream I was with my family, my mom, step dad, my sons, somewhere on a trip. We were gathering our things to leave, and somewhere on the trip, either found by me or given to me by one of the sons, I had acquired a goldfish. He was currently in a makeshift fish tank in the cabin and I wondered how I was going to take him with us when we left. Someone suggested a newspaper bag, so I thought that would be helpful. I filled the bag with his water from the tank, he escaped and was on the table out of the water, looking at me. The boys were laughing. I put the bag near the fish and he hopped right in. In my mind ran concerns regarding his being able to breathe in the bag. For some reason there wasn't enough water in the bag, and the fish was indicating, by jumping out again, that it was not to his liking. Then, for some reason, I filled up the bag with milk, thinking this way the fish could have nourishment while it traveled with us. This was not a happy answer for the fish, who, by the way, was more of a Dr. Seuss goldfish than a regular boring goldfish. In the milk it was standing on its tail, with its head out of the milk, almost shaking his head "no". I emptied the milk, and refilled with tank water, in yet another bag, this one a bread bag. There was lots of water, and I was trying to find the balance between air and water, not sure how long this was to be his home. I breathed some of my breath into the bag, with the hope of finding that right balance.

Eventually my dream went on to the next scene and I don't know if I ever got it right for that fish.

What if that fish is me? I can be a Dr. Seuss goldfish for a moment. Here I am wondering where my home is going to be when my house sells. Which bag (or home) is going to be just right as I "travel" with my sons and parents in this stage of our lives? Which one provides the most breathing room, the most nourishment, enough of my own environment and happiness? Interesting to note my own guessing game and seeming inability to figure it out and provide just the right environment for the "fish". This is the planner in me, to which I have been bringing more and more balance. I don't know the answers, all I can do is trust that the right situation is manifesting in the perfect timing, as it always has, in spite of all of my past planning and trying to make it work.

I am open to the Grace of the Universe in this transitional situation, and am excited to see what results come about. I know that the happiest answer for all concerned is manifesting and we all live in joy and great connection.