Choosing to Live

Early 1999

I was beginning to open myself to the possibilities of Life and energy, reading Carolyn Myss’ works, and the Hands of Light, by Barbara Brennan, and journaling and journaling some more, meditating, studying the Science of Mind. I had a distinct vision while I was sitting in my living room, wide awake, doing something mundane, like reading the paper. I could vividly see my husband standing in front of me, his arm stretched out towards me. He wasn’t there physically, but he was very clear in my sight. His fingers and hand began to embed themselves, like tentacles in my upper left chest, just above my breast. As the tentacles embedded, I could see and feel the energy flowing from this part of my body through the tentacles into him. I also had the realization that my part of it was that I was allowing it to happen. Then I heard a voice in my right ear, distinctly tell me: “You can leave this marriage one of two ways. One option is that you free yourself by dying of breast cancer, the other is that you free yourself by removing yourself from this situation.” Suddenly, I had information. I guess it was the information I looking for. Although, now being aware of this choice, I was suddenly responsible for either taking action or taking action by not taking action. My life was at stake, that much was clear. I had a huge decision to make, and with the depression I’d experienced through much of my twenties, there was definitely a struggle with just giving up for this lifetime, allow cancer to come in and take me. That seemed far easier than taking an enormous step I had both resisted and desired for so many years. Death was a tempting avenue. This was a defining moment of clarity. Year later, after the big decisions and changes were well underway, I recall, several times when I would have profound moments where I’d realized that I was still actually alive, and that part of me was surprised and adjusting to this new twist in my life. Many times on this path, I have been faced with making conscious decisions. I always knew that I had a choice to either travel the “easy” familiar path, possibly remaining numb to a situation, or to travel the risk-taking path, which may have, and likely would have, consequences I could not dream of. I have never been sorry taking the more conscious and risky path, even when sometimes there is trepidation and a fear of the unknown. It has definitely brought many experiences my way, from which I’ve been able to grow and expand my awareness of myself and the world around me. I believe that’s what I’m here for, so why waste any more time in numbness?

As time has progressed, I realize that the decision made to live in that moment was more profound than I realized. My father’s side of the family has a history of breast cancer, often in women in their thirties, some survive, and some do not. Currently my 35 year old cousin is fighting stage 3 breast cancer. My aunt, my father’s sister, succumbed to the disease at age 38. It is interesting to me that when this revelation came to me about my own existence, I was 32 years old. This was one year prior to the age both my cousin and my aunt were diagnosed.

I am still in awe and I am still alive.