Saturday, December 18, 2010

Loving the Angels in Disguise

2009:  During a guided meditation in the spring of 2000, I was shown a beautiful guardian angel, blowing a horn in exuberant exaltation of my being.  This wondrous angel was so excited about what I'd been learning and integrating, about my loving myself and expressing my loving self in a stand for myself.  He was blowing his horn with great joy and happiness within his heart.  He was one in a sea of many angels who were also playing their horns, all in celebration of my heart opening.  I was surrounded by joy and love and support.  I was fully in love with this angel, and felt the love he exuded toward me.

I decided I wanted to see this angel in the meditation more closely, so I zeroed in on his face, and I was shocked to find my then husband who I had been resisting and trying to leave for eleven years in one way or another.  We'd been married for almost thirteen years.

Until this moment, all I had felt about him was anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, misunderstanding,  and a lack of ability to express myself when around him.  In an instant, I had an immense knowing of his role and his love in my life.  Also, with that, I was able to remember that I love him on many levels, and that we have a contract in this life for him to assist in my learning self-love and to express myself and there was success.
In an apparent irony, when I let go of resisting him and the marriage, knowing this deeper soul love, this unconditional love, everything disintegrated that was being held together with the negative emotions, the fear, the anger.  Life shifted dramatically.  I know one might think that discovering this love on a soul level would create a deeper human and physical bond, but just the opposite became true.  I felt nothing but love for him and for myself.  And, with my consciousness at the time, I was able to create and maintain boundaries that were healthier for both of us, and that resulted in the end of the marriage.

In the nine years since this meditation I have loved him from afar, at a soul level, deeply grateful for his presence in my life, and in our children's lives.  I understand that his actions are love-driven, even if sometimes they don't appear to be.  When he enters my dreams we are usually conversing rather amiably and jovially about the children, about situations and circumstances.  In my dreams, I am aware he is married to the boys' stepmother, for whom I'm also very grateful for her presence in their lives.  This carries over to the waking life, even though he and I barely exchange words, good or bad.

There is no way I'd be in the place where I am now without having had this experience of the Divine.  I see it as one of the most profound moments of Grace in my life.  I endeavor to remember this all the time, but especially as I encounter difficult situations with seemingly difficult people, the "Angels in Disguise."

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