by Master Djwhal KhulMay I see this day through fresh eyes, that the old places of imbalance in my life can be "reviewed" from the perspective of my Soul's mission.
Interesting this was yesterday's "thought" and I hadn't read it until today. I had an opportunity to see through "fresh eyes" an old place of imbalance in my life to "review".
I was in economics class where my tendency is to want to blend into the woodwork, just "do, be, and get". However, the instructor chooses to call on the students and put them to work, so being invisible is not an option. Yesterday I sat in the second row, and was asked to draw a graph on the board in the front of the class. I understand graphs, I get math, but I did not understand what he wanted, so "messed up" in front of the class, and corrected it. Then, because I was up in front of the class creating the graph, I missed taking the lecture notes that he was giving during that time. When I returned to my seat to catch up, focusing on what he'd already gone over, he came by my spot and asked me a question about what he was currently going over. Of course I had no clue, and since I feel clueless about the entire topic of economics I couldn't "wing it".
So, more humiliation, especially when he threw up his hands in exasperation as if I should have already mastered all of this. For goodness sakes. Thankfully he moved on to the next clueless person. I know I was not alone in that, however what it meant for me personally is definitely something I get to look at.
It triggered a time during a poster presentation I was giving in a class near the end of my Bachelor's degree. The professor asked me a difficult technical question that I froze on. I panicked, I couldn't think or breathe. I knew I knew the answer, but I was so caught up in the difficulty of the question compared to the "opinion" question one of my classmates (one of the professor's "pets") received. I know I made everyone uncomfortable with my frozen panic. My friend, Pat, was behind the professor signaling to encourage me. She knew I knew the answer, and later told me he probably asked me the most difficult question because he was aware of my intelligence. This made no difference to me at the time. This event yesterday triggered close to those same feelings of humiliation, "dumbness", and wanting to crawl into a hole.
Thankfully, after yesterday's class I went straight to my mom's for a Colorpuncture treatment to work on a rash I've had for a few weeks. She took a Kirlian photograph of my energy, and treated accordingly while I relayed the day's events to her. What showed in my photo was very interesting. It was clear there were boundaries that were being overstepped, and the "father imprint" had been triggered, and was "up". This makes sense to me, I can see where my relationship with my dad could have a play in that. I always wanted to be acknowledged for what I do know, and how acceptable I am, what a good person I am, etc. I wanted to be understood for who I am, not for what I don't know. I know a lot of it is embracing the fact that I cannot possibly know it all, and that it's okay to be in a situation where I don't know, and to accept it for myself in that moment. The "dark" side. Economics is not a strong suit for me, but a pre-requisite for pharmacy school. There's a reason I didn't take this class way back when. It's okay to have weaknesses, it's okay to not fully succeed in all areas. I know I will do fine in the class, and chances are good I understand more of it than I give myself credit. The healing is going to come through being okay in that situation, and to somehow move through those uncomfortable moments with a little more grace. Then again, does it always have to be graceful? I think it's actually okay to have awkward uncomfortable moments. Perhaps that is more fully experiencing Life.
Ah, so, how does this relate to my soul's mission? What gets to be healed and released? To be balanced? To be okay with it not being okay. Embrace the "fact" that I have both strengths AND weaknesses. To come up with a method, a mantra, or meditation, to directly help neutralize the strong panicky, humiliated emotional trigger in that situation, so that it is not a block, but rather a gateway to deeper understanding and compassion for myself and others.
Today I do feel a bit more whole, a bit more loving and compassionate toward myself. Far more than I did 13 years ago during that incident during my undergrad presentation. That went on for months, way beyond the class ending. I now know I can go back into class confident in who I am and where I'm at, and be okay in the now. I can stand a bit taller. And my rash is closer to being healed now that I'm a bit more comfortable in my own skin...
S.A. Lyonheart :-)